It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. For my husband he has to do all the driving. Just because you dont like Buffy and have introduced a bunch of facts that dont exist in the letter (your comment below about what the dad has been putting up with for years!?!) I mean, really, isnt that how you build a relationship with anyone? lets_be_honest He rolls his eyes not at her accomplishments, but her timewasters A rather big difference. This young girl sounds like shes already quite cultured! July 2, 2013, 1:12 pm, It wasnt deliberate. I was thinking this too. Thinks hes hilarious). So as not to be hurt again, they simply avoid situations where they think they will need to expose their feelings or emotions. July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. I mean, maybe? If he feels like thats going to impede their time together, then fine, youre off the hook. I think she should have given more advice for the LW about dealing with the husband and his responses to the daughter. Now a couple of days ago I made a mistake and got behind the wheel of a car after having a few drinks and got a DUI. Shes pulling away because hes hypercritical of her AND their daughter. I just wonder if there is an approach I have not considered. So, so not like me. My parents werent interested in that stuff. In all honestly though, I call up my dad now to hear about all of the new great bands out there! Seriously, the concept of the Q is what puts me on the agnostic end of atheism. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). Or even more fun than you would. Not while professing such love for me and genuinely remorseful when Im upset. Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. Who knows? I always hated fishing growing up, but it meant that I got to spend time with my dad, so I went. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. Is it forcing or is it parenting? I just have to say, I have NEVER felt comfortable choosing what to watch on tv if Im in the same room as my dad because I know he thinks 95% of what Id want to watch is annoying. When I was a kid, I shared a lot of interests with my mom, too, and not as many with my dad. This sounds a lot like my childhood! How the States Got Their Shapes for one. My point is, you have cultivated these interests in your daughter. Give it a look and let me know what you think. Im notorious for doing this to family and friends, but you know what? He is your best friend, your teammate and your partner. Surely, they can find a few places where their interests overlap a little bit. I wonder about the contempt or underlying sexism expressed in the fathers attitude. July 2, 2013, 10:32 am. Entirely too much. Why are we judging other peoples interests? temperance Ive always found board games to be boring and so does my daughter. You know at the beginning of the last indiana jones movie where indie comes running home and needs to ask his dad something but his dad makes him count to 10 in latin? If the later is the case, I would seriously consider whether or not husband wants to change and work on himself and if not, I would maybe get out. I actually had the opposite relationship growing up. It is best to talk with a counselor or therapist if you believe there is serious dysfunction in your marriage. I had NO IDEA what that was, so I did the can-can. Is there crap out there? I thought The Crucible was awful, but I definitely went to Salem this winter and got really into the witch trials and all the history there. About Us . My ex-husband had custody for 6 1/2 years. LW, I dont think youre siding with your daughter & creating an us against him mentality; you just seem to be describing how your husbands attitude has made you feel more distant towards him as well. A parent who can laugh at themselves when they mess up, and teaches the kid to laugh at themselves and to see the humor without feeling attached is key. And while there are many reasons why daughters might want their parents to split up, here are some of the most common ones: If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. I think the dad most definitely needs to be happy with the daughter he has, and not spend so much energy trying to shame her into being the daughter he wants, So he should act like an adult and not take his frustration out on his daughter by telling her that her interests annoy him. Their only way out of that entrapment is to keep their partners owing them. Theres no excuse for that. But you do so at your husbands expense, your daughters expense, and possibly the expense of your marriage. And lets face itthe daughter is about to become a teenager. Im not gonna say that those novels were the sole reason she and I both ended up with lucrative and fulfilling careers in the hard sciences, or the sole reason why were both great writers and communicators, or the sole reason we didnt have to pay for college (we both got full scholarships). It will also provide a model for her of living a rich adulthood, embracing passions and sharing passions them with the people you love (and showing interest in their passions!). However, its wife that wrote in. Also, seriously, have you been on Tumblr? You also need to encourage your husband to be respectful of his daughters interests. Courts take action when substance use, in the form of alcohol and illicit drugs, and/or misuse of prescription drugs actually hinders a parent's ability to care for their children or when the parent poses a danger to the children's well-being. One other thought is that, maybe this really isnt about the daughter, but about her and her husband, she references herself a lot in this letter, and maybe she really has a problem with the way he treats her, but she just doesnt want to admit it. He's worked extremely hard for as long as I have known him, and provided a good home for me and our three children. At 12, anything my dad would listen to I really had an interest in because I never heard songs like that. This is NO accident. And they never put down my interests (which at the moment are the same as the LWs). WE cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if WE are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell US to stop because it annoys him. but this might be the best Ive ever read here. The fact that he is open to sharing his interests with her is key thats going to be where the relationship develops. (I highly recommend looking into how to cook with your fish encased in salt, something magical happens.). Hmm, Im getting a different vibe from this letter than Wendy is? Placing a child in the position of having to be loyal to one parent at the expense of the other parent is heinous and very damaging to the child. Its great that the LW naturally shares so much with her daughter, but the girl needs to spend time with her father as well, even if it doesnt seem like the most interesting thing at the time. Middle schoolers and initially, I tried to explain the history of the Salem witch trials as well as McCarthyism before we read the play. Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. Hed come out and hit the ball or play catch or Horse. It is just another thought though really, because going back and reading it again she includes herself in everything her husband gets mad at. July 2, 2013, 12:17 pm. I agree, but the father didnt ask for advice, the mom did and we all know you can only control your own actions, so because of that, I think the advice given was spot on. Its so longgggggggg! But that means he has to find something that *will* interest her, which means hes got to make some effort as well. What would be the point of responding to him when he would not be the one reading it? I dont think the father wanting the daughter to broaden her interests is the problem, its the way he is going about it by demeaning her and her interests and trying to cram in his own interests. No. July 15, 2013, 3:10 pm. By virtue of him going about his business, I was interested and wanted to participate. If his dad had listened when my husband wanted to talk when he was a boy, perhaps my husband would listen to his dad now. My mistake then we read the play and watched the movie, and they went NUTS for the story. If your daughter has seen how much pain and suffering can come from being in an unhappy marriage, she may not want to put herself through the same thing later on down the road. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. I would go on drives to see the eagles, fished, endured Cardinal games and college basketball games. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Yeah the dictating that she cant even listen to songs sometimes in the car is way over the top. I definitely DONT think my experience and this familys are similar. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. We laughed because the one garden that got me actually excited and interested (the Japanese gardens) was her least favorite and is also my dads favorite type of gardens. It sounds like she and her daughter just happen to share the same interests. I understand how you might be torn how easy it might be to embrace every second you have with her when you know all too soon, shell outgrow her fangirl stage, or at the very least, embrace additional teen-related obsessions, thereby reducing the time she cares to spend with you, and then soon after shell be leaving you and heading off for adventures of her own, away from you and her dad. When the symbolic slot machine pays off, you were likely to have been off and running through the interpersonal Alice in Wonderland maze again. In the Summer of 1993 when I was 12 I went through a serious Tom Petty phase and my dad LOVED it. And, as I am sure you know from previous experience, exploding doesn't make anything better. And, yes, you ARE being greedy, because as much as your daughter may genuinely enjoy your time together pursuing interests you both share, she is missing out on a relationship with her dad and all the things he can teach her through his interests. July 2, 2013, 3:46 pm. He still clips those articles, and even though he and I are a ways apart politically, I can always trust them to have something well-reasoned and thoughtful to say. I do believe he is some what of a jerk with the fact that he really doesnt put any effort in to anything she likes though. Respect is the bedrock of any family and you need family members to respect each other, the belongings of each other and the interests of each other. I do also believe that your husband really does need to at least embrace a couple of her interest if he wants her to embrace the things he likes. Here are a few things you can do to try and improve the relationship between them: Its not uncommon for daughters to want their parents to divorce. Huge difference one is laughing with you, one is laughing at you and I think when your daughter is 12 and you are having trouble getting along that it is on the adult/father to go the extra mile and make sure that you arent being a jackass in an effort to be humorous. I recall all too well how some can turn every god damn conversation into a deep Buffy exploration So, yes. Im guessing the teen might be into the more recent iterations of Star Trek, the latest movies to come out of that franchise. They wouldnt do that, would they? July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm, A parent should NEVER make fun of their child.. Your days of Tigerbeat should be long tempered by now. July 2, 2013, 2:27 pm. Theres alot wrong going on here, the parents should definitely get counseling to learn better communication and parenting skills. Then he said he was going out to watch the game at a bar because he needed time alone, and that hed be home in a couple of hours. My grandparents have a VHS of her wishing my cousin and I happy birthday. Just saying, theyre definitely still popular. Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. Isolation One of the most common tricks of a mentally abusive partner is to isolate their victims from the rest of the world. Why should your husband treat her that way?? Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? But the dad is giving the kid homework? I camped. This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. I was shocked that a father is rolling his eyes and telling his daughter that her interests annoy him. But that he made the effort to give me my interests. honeybeenicki We cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if we are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell us to stop because it annoys him. I would suggest planning outings for just your husband and your daughter maybe to an arcade, out to a movie, mini golf,etc so that they can spend time together by themselves. The problem is that instead of at least tolerating her fangirling, my husband tends to disparage it, and roll his eyes. 20 years later, Im crazy close with both of my parents. But, of course, that would require HIM to take an interest in something his daughter likes in order to find that common ground. I would just like to briefly brag about my dad and how were going to this awesome music festival together this summer!!! Intelligent people can like these things but does that mean that a father should promote them? For the first time in my life, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to be at the stream, fishing pole in hand and waders on, to fly fish with my dad. Asking her to read a National Geographic article is hardly onerous. And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. Because your daughter may eventually outgrow her fangirl phase, but if you do your job right, shell never outgrow being a strong, confident, interesting and interested person. I just dont get it. July 2, 2013, 12:43 pm, Shes 12 at what age are you supposed to be more able to enjoy mindless pop culture!?! Did he take me out to Madonna concerts and listen to me babble on endlessly about her latest video. If he doesnt mind, that would probably be a good show of support to begin with. I was so annoyed! Its every parents nightmare: watching their child drift away from them. That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. That doesnt mean you cant enjoy shared interests together, but just do so as mother and daughter, not BFFs. Do I look back on those times with my dad now and appreciate the time we spend together? You also said that your daughter ~does~ participate in her fathers well-liked activities when he asks (& I do think you can do your part to encourage her participation, if youre not already.). It can be even tougher to try to figure out what to do about it. To care for our two young kids. If you have any concerns that your husband is driving your daughter away, be sure to talk to him about it. Its tough when you realize that your husband and daughter dont get along. Additionally, she may worry that if she stays in an unhappy marriage like yours, it will damage her relationship with her future spouse. When I was 12 I was into makeup, boys and candy. She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. I think this is a great point. Skyblossom Dad used people for his own good. So maybe Mom here does need to let go, and open the daughter up to a better relationship with Dad. Another possibility is that her husband doesnt understand how to connect with his daughter on an emotional level. Ostensibly through her mother. I cant concentrate, I get bored, shit distracts me, I have to deal with the kids/dogs/etc and then people bitch Im not there to play, then I play badly as Im not paying attention.. so I try to get out of it then get all snitty reactions since Im not joining in having fun. That way, everyone gets a say and is sort of forced to share each others interests. haha. But I cant help but think if you were only into cheerleaders, makeup and boys, that it would have been GOOD of your stepfather to encourage you to read more, even if it meant saying something along the lines that youd regret not knowing more about the literary world or about current events. Id hate it if a parent did that to me and Id hate it if my partner did that to me too. Please implore him to realize that if one of your daughters peers was reacting similarly to her, the two of you would deplore that child as a Mean Kid. My dad was also much more stern, and as a shy kid, he made me sort of uncomfortable at times. I must just not be seeing things clearly. But I loved my dad and my mom encouraged me and sometimes when I was being a brat prodded me -into hanging out with my dad. I wonder, though, if it would seem less like forcing if maybe the mother and father both liked to camp? Im also a 31-year-old fangirl so this might not just be a phase that shell grow out of, haha. I second this. Cool! He was much kinder to them.) Neither does your husband. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. Instead, hes insisting on discussing National Geographic articles via reading assignments then criticizes her afterword in escalating arguments. I think she may have deactivated. And also, him treating her with respect and letting her know he values her, well that will also help shape her future relationships where she will know she deserves to be respected, valued and loved. Our 17-year-old son is still at home but can't wait to leave to get away from the constant friction and ill-feeling around the house. He may be uncomfortable talking about his feelings or sharing personal stories. This makes me so deeply jealous. July 2, 2013, 2:09 pm, Absolutely agree. The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. Yeah, ditching a piano recital where the child is performing a talent or whatever is different from rolling your eyes at a TV show they like. This year I took her to the Botanical Gardens not my first choice of activities, but it was a nice day and the gardens are pretty. Keeping your cool under stress, responding as calmly as you can, and walking away when you find yourself unable to keep calm are completely within your power and help you claim the power in your home. Its almost like shes commiserating with her daughter as though hes her father also. We were so thrilled. But I also honestly think that the husband/dad might not be such a jerk face if he wasnt 100% put on the back burner. Yes! My personal relationship with my dad was almost non-existent when I was a tween/early teen, except for those forced family moments. Often, in their own backgrounds, they have seen a too-good-to-be-true martyred parent in a devoted relationship with a partner who would not acknowledge their caring. When you are in the same space with someone who is watching TV all day or farting often or slurping their coffee or whatever, unless you get away from them you will most likely explode. In the past, every day held exciting discoveries about the one whose ring you now wear on your finger. I get that hes probably feeling left out, but thats not cool. Such is not the case if youre on the end of a crazy-making partner. honeybeenicki I desperately wanted to be an astronaut? For instance my freshman daughter doesn't have a cellphone yet. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. For example, I taught my theatre kids The Crucible this year. Im doing everything I can to make things work between us. If he wants her to take an interest in his hobbies, he needs to feign interest in hers. That was what I meant about finding articles that the daughter would be interested in at first. July 3, 2013, 12:54 am, Uh oh some you will be called BSLBH. and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here. Apparently its socially okay to go to games and paint your face and do whatever sports fans do, but Buffy marathons arent. As you agree, there needs to be a balance and it sounds like Dad is the only one whose realized that. lets_be_honest I think I read this differently than Wendy. But those are not her interests right now, although she does participate when he asks her to. Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. FUCK BOARD GAMES. My dad did tell me they were awful back in the day but he still bought me all the tapes and magazines and t-shirts and let me plaster my walls with their posters and drove me to their concert. Im not sure why people think it makes you a bad parent to tell your kid that you dont enjoy some of the same stuff they enjoy and that they can do that when you arent around. Maybe not, though. Thats unfortunate (to say the least! So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. Youve talked about this over and over and your husband still interrupts your conversations because they annoy him? July 2, 2013, 11:03 am, I think what needs to be addressed here is the the primary relationship in a familythe marriage. And your husband needs to grow the eff up and be supportive of your daughters interests. Eating vegetables or just trying any new food? Hold on there, NKOTB are STILL awesome! I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. A highly critical parent or parents, resulting in a high sensitivity to being judged on performance. After all, the child is innocent and helpless, while the spouse is an adult who can take care of themselves. I have vivid memories of being forced to attend Cardinals games with my dad because my mom said it was important. Shes lashing out and pushing back because hes hurting her. Instead, try to understand why they are pulling away and what you can do to support them during this time. Skyblossom Heck, where would we be without Star Trek? Nip . My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them.

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